Fix You Up
by butterfly-scrub-cap
Summary: Multi-Chapter. A/U from halfway through Season 8. Arizona Robbins deals with an eating disorder & self harm. TRIGGER WARNING - Eating disorder & self harm. If you think you will, at all in any way, be triggered, please don't read it. If you do chose to read it but find yourself getting triggered, please stop reading. The last thing I want to do is trigger anyone.
1. Prologue

**_Title From:_**_ Opposite Direction - Union of Knives_

**_Author's Note:_**_ If you want to know why I am writing this fanfic click here click here._

**_TRIGGER WARNING!_**_ This multi-chapter fanfic will include an eating disorder and self harm. If you think you will, at all in any way, be triggered, please don't read it. If you do chose to read it but find yourself getting triggered, please stop reading. The last thing I want to do is trigger anyone. __** Although they are not present in this prologue, I am still warning you.**_

Arizona held back a yawn as she walked into the Chief's Monday Morning meeting, and flashed her signature bright smile as she sat down with the others to listen to the week's plans. Exhausted as she was, she refused to show it. A perky roller skate girl wasn't meant to be exhausted, in her opinion. Even if she had been kept up by nightmares for the past few months.

Arizona looked over at Callie, who was happily chatting away with their her eyes still fixed on her wife, Arizona zoned out into her own daydream world of unanswered thoughts. _Can she tell I'm not okay? Does she know I'm having nightmares? How can she sit there and be all happy and smiley when I'm so…not? Wasn't I meant to be the perky one? What happened to me?_

__"Dr. Robbins? Dr. Robins!?"

A sharp elbow collided with Arizona's arm, forcing her to look up in surprise, only to find the entire room staring at her. She gave a quick sideways glance at Teddy, who was looking at her in concern. "Yes, Chief Hunt?"

"Any important upcoming Peds cases, Dr. Robbins?"

"Oh, uhm, right. There's a broken arm, a broken leg, a non-emergent appi and cardio case, and routine check-ups and such."

"Thank you. Alright, moving on. Neuro?"

While Derek brought the other attendings up to speed on the neuro cases, Arizona's eyes scanned the room, searching for any indication of what they were thinking of her slip-up. Trained doctors that they were, no one gave away anything if any of them were still thinking of it.

—

"Oh my gosh, Teddy I am so embarrassed. I just zoned out…" Arizona bit her lip nervously and glanced up at her best friend.

"Hey, it's okay! Most of them in there have had babies, and know what having a newborn at home is like, they all remember the sleepless nights. And those who haven't had babies have already seen it happen to the ones who have. Arizona, we're surgeons, we all get it. No one will even remember, so don't beat yourself up. It'll pass as she grows up, okay?"

"Uh, sure." Arizona smiled. But inside, she was screaming. It won't ever pass. It's not Sofia, it's me.

.


	2. Crashing Down

**_Title From: _**_Crashing Down - Mat Kearney_

**_Author's Note:_**_ To know more about this fanfic, or read earlier chapters gohere. _

**_TRIGGER WARNING!_**_This multi-chapter fanfic will include an eating disorder and self harm. If you think you will, at all in any way, be triggered, please don't read it. If you do chose to read it but find yourself getting triggered, please stop reading. The last thing I want to do is trigger anyone. _

Arizona stared at her reflection in the steamed-up bathroom mirror, reveling in the precious minutes she had alone before Calliope woke up. The daily meetings with the mirror had started roughly when the nightmares had started months ago. Unknown to Calliope, Arizona would wake up crying or screaming from the same recurring nightmare. She'd take a warm shower to calm herself down and then spend hours staring at her reflection in the bathroom mirror, wondering when things had gone wrong.

Mark's words kept playing over Arizona's mind, like they often did when she was in this mood. '_You're not anything. You're nothing.' _

_Except I'm not nothing. I'm a terrible person. I bail, I have trust issues, I'm a stuck up know it all. I wreckless - I got my wife and my daughter in a horrible horrible accident. What kind of person does that? _

Those thoughts had started eating her away, and three months ago Arizona had vowed to herself she would do whatever it took until she became perfect. She had started taking on more and more difficult cases, studying harder and working more to become a perfect surgeon. At night she was reading up all the parent tips she could to be the perfect mother.

That morning, Arizona's thoughts were interrupted by Callie opening the bathroom door and grinning sexily. "Mark and Julia are coming over and I'm going to make brunch for everyone sweetie."

Arizona groaned inwardly, dreading the thought of sitting down and eating in front of Callie, Mark, and Julia. Though she knew if she made her feelings obvious her wife would be concerned, so she smiled and asked happily "Need any help?"

"No thanks, I'm an excellent cook." Callie replied brightly. "But Sofia's waiting for you on the couch with The Little Mermaid if you two kids want to watch singing fish while I act like an adult and get brunch ready."

Arizona rolled her eyes gently at Callie's joke and made her way to the living room to watch TV with their daughter.

—-

"Blondie, are you okay?"

"Yes! I'm fine, why?" Arizona racked her brain over the last few minutes of the conversation, wondering if she'd said anything that could've given away what she was thinking, but she was sure she hadn't.

"You've barely eaten." Mark answered with a strange look on his face. "You're usually shoveling food in your mouth." he laughed gently.

Arizona smiled as though she hadn't just been offended. "I've been so busy at work lately that I'm exhausted and I just don't seem to be hungry anymore."

Her answer seemed to satisfy Julia, who clapped her hands together. "No wonder you look different! You must have lost a few pounds! You look great Arizona."

Mark and Callie exchanged a curious look, unnoticed by Arizona who had ducked her face to cover up her blushing. "Thanks Julia." she smiled at the woman.

—-

Arizona found herself staring at her own face in the bathroom mirror for the second time that day. No matter how much she'd laughed and smiled with the others, her thoughts from that morning hadn't changed. If anything, they had intensified.

_Mark is right, I eat a ton. My arms are fat. My legs jiggle all the time. My stomach sticks out. Perfect people aren't fat. I have to start eat healthier._

"Arizona?"

Arizona's head turned towards the sound of her wife's voice, realizing for the first time that Callie's head was poked around the door.

"Calliope! How long have you been standing there?"

"Long enough to see you start crying." Callie walked into the bathroom and picked up Arizona's hand. "Are you okay?"

With her free hand Arizona reached up to her face and found tears. Tears she hadn't even noticed herself crying.

"I'm okay." she smiled her usual smile, hoping her wife would believe it. She moved towards the bathroom door, trying to leave so Callie couldn't reply, but Arizona felt her arm being pulled back.

"No, Arizona, you're not fine." Callie placed her hands on Arizona's arms, pinning her gently so she couldn't escape, and searched her face. "Please tell me what's wrong. You seemed fine at dinner."

Arizona racked her brain for a reasonable excuse for the tears. Only one thing came to mind, and she blurted it out. "I miss Timothy. He should have been there, he should have…" Without meaning to, Arizona's voice wavered, and she burst into fresh years, making her lie more believable.

Callie pulled Arizona into a hug, holding her tight. "Oh honey, it's okay to miss him. Next time you you can just tell me. I'm here for you. Okay?"

Arizona nodded, but all the while she was only thinking one thing - _She can feel all my fat._

.


	3. Kaleidoscope

**_Title From:_**_ Kaleidoscope - Kate Havnevik_

**_Author's Note:_**_ If you want to know why I am writing this fanfic click here click here._

**_TRIGGER WARNING!_**_ This multi-chapter fanfic will include an eating disorder and self harm. If you think you will, at all in any way, be triggered, please don't read it. If you do chose to read it but find yourself getting triggered, please stop reading. The last thing I want to do is trigger anyone._

Arizona locked herself into an on-call room, needing some privacy. She'd been operating all day, which had left her exhausted so she wanted to take a quick nap before going home.

Her eyes were barely closed a few seconds before she saw the image of the 12 year old girl who's life she'd just saved. The surgery had gone well. Arizona smiled a small, tight smile as she thought back to how well Karev was learning. But there was a lingering emotion she didn't usually have when she thought about patients. Jealousy. Arizona remembered how tiny and beautiful the girl was. How small her waist was; how delicate her legs were.

_I am jealous of a twelve year old. How is that even possible? _She shook her head, knowing she was being silly, but nonetheless wishing she too would one day look that beautiful.

Arizona woke up; feeling just as tired as when she had laid down to nap an hour earlier. She pushed herself back into a standing position, and walked towards the attending's lounge to change and go home. Catching sight of herself in the hallway mirror, she scowled and sucked in her stomach.

A pair of old trainers fell out of her locker as she opened it. Arizona stared at them as an idea started to form in her mind. _It's only 6pm, Callie won't have dinner ready until at least 8pm, I can get a run in and then go home. _Her face lit up as she changed into the work out clothes that lived in the back of her locker "just in case". _I can burn off what I ate at lunch today and what I'll have for dinner later on._

Callie appeared from the kitchen as Arizona opened the door, and started leaning in to kiss her.

"Callie wait, I'm all sweaty." She looked at Calliope's confused face, and explained "I went for a run." The confused expression only intensified as Callie raised an eyebrow, and Arizona tried explaining further. "I was all tense from the operation and I needed to let off steam…I feel good now!" She wasn't sure why she was lying to her wife. _Well, I'm not really lying. I did feel tense and I did need to let off steam. I wanted to burn calories too but that's what exercise does and Calliope knows that, I don't need to tell that to her. _Arizona reasoned with herself.

As she heard the explanation, her confusion turned into a smile. "Rather you than me." Callie teased good-naturedly. "Dinner's almost ready."

Arizona smiled back at her wife, "Thanks honey. I'll just shower quickly and then I'm ready." She started towards their bathroom, stumbling a bit as the room spun around her. Grabbing onto Callie's arm, Arizona shut her eyes tight until the spinning stopped.

"Arizona, are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just a little light headed from the run. I guess I forgot to drink enough water."

"Here, sit down while I get you some water. Are you sure you're okay?"

Arizona sat down at the kitchen stool, and gratefully drank the glass of cool water. Nodding her head she stood back up slowly. "I'm great, I promise. I just have to remember to drink next time I run."

As she headed off to take a shower, she still felt light-headed, though less than before.

_Salad. Pasta with cheese sauce. Well, I can definitely have the salad. That pasta looks amazing, but cheese isn't safe, there are way too many calories._

Arizona filled her plate with salad, Slowly, she started eating it, hoping that she could fill herself up with that and leave just a little room for the pasta.

_I can have a bit of pasta, after all I did run earlier. And it looks so good and I'm so hungry._ Arizona pinched the fat on her stomach._ No. No. I have got to lose weight._

"Arizona?"

"Huh?"

"You're staring off into space, what's up?"

"Oh uhm. There's a big case coming up in the next few days, it's just been taking over my thoughts I guess. I'm sorry. Wait, what are you…" Arizona's eyes widened as Callie placed a serving of pasta on her plate.

"I figured you'd be hungry after your run, and you love pasta." Callie beamed, seemingly non-existent to Arizona's internal anguish. "So tell me about this case?"

Dinner went on, as Arizona picked gingerly at the pasta on her plate, and talked as much as possible to try and avoid eating. Time passed, and Callie was done eating, so Arizona stood up and took her plate to the sink.

"That's all you're eating honey?"

"I'm sorry Callie, it tastes amazing, I'm just not hungry. I guess that run really tired me out. I'll make up for it tomorrow."

Callie stared at Arizona a moment, wondering if she should believe her, but she figured Arizona wouldn't lie about something like this, so she let it slide, and helped her wife clear the table.


	4. Whatever Gets You Through The Day

**_Title From:_**_ Whatever Gets You Through The Day - The Radio_

**_Author's Note:_**_ I'm SO sorry this has taken me a while to upload! It's a very personally-involved story for me, and sometimes it's hard to write it. It's also a little shorter than I would like, because it's a sort of filler chapter with a cliffhanger into the next few chapters. I promise the next uploads will be faster!_

**_TRIGGER WARNING!_**_ This multi-chapter fanfic will include an eating disorder and self harm. If you think you will, at all in any way, be triggered, please don't read it. If you do chose to read it but find yourself getting triggered, please stop reading. The last thing I want to do is trigger anyone. _

But tomorrow came, and Arizona didn't make up for the little food she'd had at dinner. Nor did she make up for it the day after, or the day after that, or any of the days after that. If anything, Arizona was eating less each day.

Arizona had learnt to hide her actions better, in the weeks that followed. She'd leave the house early, grabbing breakfast to eat with her on the way. Unknown to anyone, the breakfast would get thrown out into the nearest trash can. She'd schedule long surgeries later in the day so that she would get home later. Lunch breaks between surgeries would be used for runs instead of eating lunch.

She had convinced herself that her friends hadn't noticed what she was doing. In fact, they hadn't noticed exactly what Arizona was doing to herself, but they had noticed little changes. Alex watched her change into work out clothes every day. He saw the clothes get baggier on Arizona's thinning frame as time went on, but never said anything. Bailey noticed how Arizona was spacing out during surgeries, or how she'd sometimes walk with a hand along the wall as though she were too weak to hold herself up; but when Arizona silenced Bailey with an "I'm fine" the surgeon known as the Nazi wasn't able to question Arizona further. Perhaps the one who noticed most of all was Callie; after all she was Arizona's wife, she was one who saw her most often. Or at least, she was supposed to be.

Callie sighed as she watched a flurry of blonde hair fly out the door, left to slam against the doorframe as Arizona once again rushed out of the apartment, shouting a vague excuse over her shoulder for her sudden departure. Setting her breakfast plate down in the sink, Callie picked up her baby girl "Mija, do you know why your momma is so busy lately? You don't? I don't either." She patted Sofia's hair soothingly, "But Bailey told me she doesn't have any surgeries scheduled for today, so she shall be home too us soon."

Arizona had barely walked into the hospital when she heard Bailey's voice calling her. "Arizona, hey Arizona, isn't today your day off?"

"Yes, Bailey. Yes it is. Last time I checked, I could do whatever I wanted with my day off. Now I don't ask you what you do on your days off so why are you attacking me like this? But if you MUST know, I'm checking on a patient and then leaving."

Bailey stood in shock as she watched the once-perky surgeon pace away as fast as her little legs could carry her. _Have her legs always been so tiny? Huh. I must have got to used to seeing her in scrubs that it's weird to see Arizona in jeans. _Bailey shook her head and tutted once before turning to scream at an intern.

"Robbins? Why are you here? Don't you have the day off tod-"

"YES Karev. I have the day off. So? SO WHAT? I came here to get my work out clothes because I forgot them yesterday. Is that such a big deal to you? Don't you have some intern to go screw?"

Alex reeled back at Arizona's anger. He had never witnessed anger this intense in his mentor, even with all the mistakes he had made in front of her. Tough as he was, his eyes stung with the tears of her last comment.

"I'm sorry. I'm just tense, ok? So I need to run."

"Are…are you sure?" Alex hesitated, not wanting to cause further anger. But when his eyes passed over her slender frame, he pushed forwards. "It's just, you've lost a lot of weight recently, and-"

"Really?" Arizona's face lit up, her anger forgotten. But almost as fast, the grin fell away from her face as she shook her head. "It's a start, but not enough." She slammed her locker door and left, leaving Alex staring mouth-open with wide eyes at his boss in disbelief of what he had just heard.


	5. Can't Get It Right Today

**_Title From: _**_Can't Get It Right Today - Joe Purdy_

**_Author's Note:_**_ Not as long of a chapter as I'd like, but a much faster upload time! I'm still working on lengthening the chapters I write, as this is one of my first fanfics and it's my first multi-chapter, so I am doing my best!_

**_TRIGGER WARNING! _**_This multi-chapter fanfic will include an eating disorder and self harm. If you think you will, at all in any way, be triggered, please don't read it. If you do chose to read it but find yourself getting triggered, please stop reading. The last thing I want to do is trigger anyone._

Head spinning, heart racing. Arizona's feet hit the ground over and over in a steady rhythm. Running cleared her mind. Today though, wasn't a good run. Her head kept spinning, and her heart was racing too fast and it didn't look like it would slow down soon.

_Almost done. _

The people in the streets started to blur, her vision darkened.

_Almost there. Almost there._

Arizona came to a slow stop, and sat herself down on the bench outside the emergency entry into Seattle Grace Mercy West. As the world around her remained blurred, she closed her eyes against it trying to stop the dizziness.

"Robbins? Robbins are you okay?"

She stirred, opening her eyes to see Karev standing right in front of her with unmistakable concern in his eyes.

"Yeah. I'm fine, just tired."

"Are you sure?" He offered his hand to help her stand up. Arizona accepted it graciously and pulled herself up, clutching Alex's hand harder when the dizziness started all over again.

"I'm sure, Karev." She blinked rapidly, trying to regain steady vision. "How's- how's the newborn doing?"

Karev sighed deeply and sat down, knowing she was trying to avoid his questions. "She's doing good, getting stronger, eating well. Unlike you." He stared straight ahead, studiously ignoring Arizona's gaze, waiting for a reaction from her.

"What?"

"Arizona, I may make mistakes and screw everyone in the hospital but I am not an idiot. You're always out running, you've lost a LOT of weight." Karev let his words lingered in the air, unsure of where to go next.

Her breath hitched, scared that he'd discovered her secret. Arizona decided to push her luck. "I've been stressed. Running calms me down, ask anyone. I just…I just overdid it today. I need more sleep is all. I guess that's what days off are for, huh Karev?" Arizona flashed her signature smile at him, hoping she had him fooled.

"Arizona…you." Karev hesitated, not wanting to anger her again. "I think you have a problem." From the corner of his eye he saw her face turn red in anger. "Wait. Hear me out. You were never fat, but now you're a fraction of what you used to be. You keep losing focus in the OR, and you zone out all the time. I've seen you grab walls to steady yourself when you get dizzy. I am worried about you, Robbins."

Arizona stood up stiffly, and started walking away from the bench as fast as she could. "I'm fine Karev. I'm fine." _How could he know I'm always dizzy? I've been so careful around him. How did he realize I've lost weight if I'm still just as fat a before?_

Arizona got home, ready to collapse on the couch in exhaustion, but Callie had other plans for them. "Arizona, lunch is almost ready."

Before she could stop herself, Arizona snapped back "I'm not hungry. God. What is it with everyone today? Bailey then Karev and now you. What am I doing wrong?"

Callie stared at her wife in disbelief as Arizona stomped across their apartment and shut herself into their bedroom, just like a toddler would have done.

"Arizona, honey?" Callie gently opened their bedroom door and made her way over to hug Arizona, trying to stop her tears.

"DON'T TOUCH ME."

"Arizona? What's wrong? It's me, it's Callie."

"DON'T touch me. I don't want you touching all of my fat."

Callie gasped loudly and stepped back. "THAT is why I can't touch you anymore? Arizona you are the furthest thing from fat. You were never even fat to start with and you lost so much weight-"

"Why does everyone keep saying that? I haven't lost weight, I am still huge. Look at my arms, and my stomach, and my legs. They're all fat, Calliope, how can you love me if I look like this?"

As Arizona curled up on the bed sobbing, Callie let a few tears escape from her eyes before sitting down next to her wife. Gingerly, she put a hand on top of Arizona's. "Honey. You are beautiful. You are not fat at all. And you have lost weight, that might be why everyone is saying it. Now why don't you take a warm shower and join me and Sofia."

Arizona nodded grateful that Callie hadn't pushed it any further. She wiped her eyes roughly and headed for the bathroom.

Meanwhile, Callie went into the kitchen and dialed a number on her cellphone. "Bailey, we have a problem."


End file.
